Friendliness vs Life Skills

Why do we value “friendliness” over life skills?

It happens almost every there is a horse needing to be gentled - the first thing on many a mind is how quick can I make him pettable?

A big sign of progress for many is the horses interest in being up in our space, coming up to the fence, getting scratches etc -

But in this process of making the horse lovable in our eyes and to our standards, what are we teaching them? What have we created that will be inevitably punished later, or something that will block progress and create confusion? And why is the value of an animal to us wrapped up in their ability to “get love” the way WE see fit for them?

When I have a horse to be gentled, I’m interested in giving life skills - how to be caught, trimmed, medicated etc- the things that will benefit their life. How can I make this horse feel calm, and understand that I’m here to help? Petting for an unhandled horse is really scary, and for many, just not pleasurable. It can be later, and of course we’d like to be able to touch them - but in a way that helps them relax and understand.

The more I can improve their life quality by giving life skills, the calmer they can be around us. And shoving my hand in their face til they get used to it, or worse, get pushy and act like an exuberant Labrador like many people expect their horses to be, is not the way to show respectful touch to a horse.

But if you think about it, we don’t have much tolerance for people who aren’t perceived as “friendly” either - it’s an extroverts world, where just making noise without meaning is considered engagement, and the quiet ones are thought to have a problem - we don’t tolerate folks who don’t want to be touched much either, we make judgements about them being cold - or, if they reject a hug will hear “but I’m a hugger!” The world forgets to see the value, or doesn’t know it - in more subtle forms of communication, in quiet or distance, and how two bodies can connect in many ways -

We like our dogs exuberant and neurotically hyperactive too- dogs aversive to being touched by strangers are perceived as unfriendly, and heaven forbid a dog ask for space from touch.

It’s a loud and chaotic world out there. It’s easy for the quiet ones to get bowled over - but there is a lot of value in the quiet, in the sensitivity of quiet things, and in the space they ask for