Let's Start Over

"Let's start over"

This is a trigger sentence I have with my kids. It's a pause, a guilt-less admission of fault with a pathway forward. It means I screwed up, came in too hot, misunderstood, was too hungry, hot tired or whatever - and I'm realizing mid sentence I was wrong.

Let's start over.

We all three have spent far too much time together to have flawless interactions. We've slept in the same bed during teething and meltdowns in campers and sleeping bags and trucks, 24 hour periods on repeat where their feet kick me in the butt mercilessly all night long and I have not woken up at my best.

Conflict resolution requires owning up to a mistake - I woke up cranky and lost my cool at you. But how to do this without crumbling? If shame is at the forefront of our minds, we will hide, throw stones at each other, deflect, project, attack, whatever necessary to avoid self reflection - this hurts too much.

Conflict resolution requires an earnest desire to understand the other, instead of needing to defend ourselves or be heard. It means getting curious about where the other is coming from, instead of just trying to prove them wrong. Where does this come from? I know that's not what I said, but it's what they heard - why? Maybe they woke up cranky too. Or they're defensive because someone at school was mean today, and they're still a little wobbly from it.

"Let's start over" gives us all three an automatic reset, an understanding we have all had to use this. My three year old knows it after a tantrum. My six year old knows it after feeling mean when the overstimulation hits. And hardest of all probably, I know it from when sleep is filled with tossing and squiggling little limbs, or too many demands too fast, or a conflict with a client or friend bleeding over into my parenting, stealing my patience from those who deserve it the most.

How can we learn to master conflict if we are overwhelmed with the need to attack, or hide, or be heard above all? How can we master loving relationships while dreading and fearing conflict? I thought I was going to be a perfect parent, but overstimulation and exhaustion took over me and caused a need for repair -

conflict resolution is the pathway to not only smoothing over the bumps of our lives, but deepening our love for each other.

I love you so much, I'm willing to be brave enough to repair, to face hearing you tell me how much I hurt you so that we can go forward.

It takes a lot of practice. But we won't get there if we never practice - and need practice the most when we are avoiding it.